Bible and science relationship jokes

The Bible of Dirty Jokes: Eileen Pollack: porkostournaments.info: Books

bible and science relationship jokes

Jan 23, The reason why the scientists Ray Comfort quotes were "Bible . he has not entered into an active, living relationship with God through Christ. Apr 20, The Bible of Dirty Jokes,” by Eileen Pollack, tracks a middle-aged The relationship between Ketzel and Meryl is one of the highlights of the. Jul 24, We burned the midnight Bunsen burner looking for science jokes that are scientifically proven to get a laugh.

Tell us how you think postmodernism affected your career as a novelist. I disavowed writing that contained real ideas or any real passion. My work became disjunctive, facetious and nihilistic.

It was all metastatic irony, a pernicious banality palimpsest of media pastiche. I found myself indiscriminately incorporating any and all kinds of pop kitsch and shlock. He begins to weep again. And this spilled over into your personal life? It was impossible for me to experience life with any emotional intensity.

bible and science relationship jokes

I couldn't control the irony anymore. I perceived my own feelings as if they were in quotes. I italicized everything and everyone. It became impossible for me to appraise the quality of anything. To me everything was equivalent-the Brandenburg Concertos and the Lysol jingle had the same value He breaks down, sobbing. Now, you're involved in a lawsuit, aren't you? I'm suing the Modern Language Association. How confident are you about winning? We need to prove that, while they were actively propounding it, academics knew all along that postmodernism was a specious theory.

If we can unearth some intradepartmental memos-y'know, a paper trail-any corroboration that they knew postmodernism was worthless cant at the same time they were teaching it, then I think we have an excellent shot. WOMAN with lateral head-bobbing: It's ironic that Barry Scheck is representing the M. This is the guy who's made a career of volatilizing truth in the simulacrum of exculpation! Scheck is the guy who came up with the quintessentially postmodern re-bleed defense for O.

I'd just like to say to any client of Barry-lose that zero and get a hero! If you believe that mathematician Andrew Wiles's proof of Fermat's last theorem has caused you or a member of your family to dress too provocatively, call Recently, the University of Virginia philosopher Richard Rorty made the stunning declaration that nobody has "the foggiest idea" what postmodernism means.

ALEX his voice electronically altered: Enough with the questions you modernist, capitalist, opportunist pig. The crowd goes wild. Springer deflects the chair with his nose and goes down in a heap. Alex's postmodern friends in the audience start kicking and beating Springer with their copies of Feyerabend's Against Method. They chant in unison "Down with modernity We must show Rorty the power that is postmodernity! Moses, Jesus, and one other are out playing golf one day.

Moses pulls up to the tee and drives a long one. It lands in the fairway but rolls directly toward a water trap. Quickly Moses raises his club, the water parts and it rolls to the other side safe and sound. Next, Jesus strolls up to the tee and hits a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. It lands directly in the center of the pond and kind of hovers over the water.

bible and science relationship jokes

Jesus casually walks out on the pond and chipps it up onto the green. The third individual gets up and sort of randomly whacks the ball. It heads out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street.

It bounces off a truck and hits a nearby tree. From there it bounces onto the roof of a nearby shack and rolls down into the gutter, down the downspout, out onto the fairway and right toward the forementioned pond. On the way to the pond, it hits a little stone and bounces out over the water and onto a lily pad where it rests quietly. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumps up on the lily pad and snatches the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swoops down and grabbs the frog and flies away.

As they pass over the green, the frog squeals with fright and drops the ball which bounces right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one. Moses turns to Jesus and says, "I hate playing with your Dad. In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. Quickly, God was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement.

God was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the cease and desist order for the earthly part. Then God said, "Let there be light! Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a large ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, and that he would obtain a building permit and to conserve energy, He would have the light out half the time.

God agreed and offered to call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night". The officials replied that they were not interested in semantics. God said, "Let the earth put forth vegetation, plant yielding seed, and fruit trees bearing fruit. Then God said, "Let the waters bring forth swarms of living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth. Everything was okay until God said the project would be completed in six days.

The officials said it would take at least two hundred days to review the applications and the impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be ten to twelve months before At this point God created Hell. Jesus Hears about Christology Jesus said, Whom do men say that I am?

And his disciples answered and said, Some say you are John the Baptist returned from the dead; others say Elias, or other of the old prophets. And Jesus answered and said, But whom do you say that I am? Peter answered and said, "Thou art the Logos, existing in the Father as His rationality and then, by an act of His will, being generated, in consideration of the various functions by which God is related to his creation, but only on the fact that Scripture speaks of a Father, and a Son, and a Holy Spirit, each member of the Trinity being co-equal with every other member, and each acting inseparably with and interpenetrating every other member, with only an economic subordination within God, but causing no division which would make the substance no longer simple.

Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael. Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer? I thought Graceland was tacky. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? Do you think my hair is too big?

bible and science relationship jokes

Honey, these bonsai trees need watering? Give me the small bag of pork rinds. Deer heads detract from the decor. Spitting is such a nasty habit. Trim the fat off that steak. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso. The tires on that truck are too big. Unsweetened tea tastes better. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?

Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts? Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side. I believe you cooked those green beans too long. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla. The Irishman at the Pub An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders Three more.

The bartender says, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall for the first time.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?

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The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother. You think "loading the dishwasher" means getting your wife drunk.

You ever cut your grass and found a car. You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't. You think the stock market has a fence around it. Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Drive-in Theater. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. You own a homemade fur coat. Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns. You burn your yard rather than mow it. Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath.

You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen. The Salvation Army declines your mattress. You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen. Birds are attracted to your beard. Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest. You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born. You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial. You've ever hit a deer with your car Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos". You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.

You've ever given rat traps as gifts. You clean your fingernails with a stick. Your coffee table used to be a cable spool. You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list. Every socket in your house breaks a fire code. You've totaled every car you've ever owned. There are more than five McDonald's bags in your car.

The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice. There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door. You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys. The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem. You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap. You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.

You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape. You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. Your considered an expert on wormbeds. Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell.

The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house. You've ever bought a used cap. Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes. You pick your teeth from a catalog. You've ever financed a tattoo. You've ever stolen toilet paper.

You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture. People hear your car a long time before they see it. While others theorize that mentalizing—interpreting human behavior in terms of intentional mental states such as needs, desires or purposes—has a positive association with belief, the researchers found none.

Like other studies, these experiments showed that analytic thinking discourages acceptance of spiritual or religious beliefs. But the statistical analysis of data pooled from all eight experiments indicates empathy is more important to religious belief than analytic thinking is for disbelief.

So why can the conflict between science and religion become so strong? Those noted individuals were intellectually sophisticated enough to see that there is no need for religion and science to come into conflict. The researchers agree with the New Atheists that suspension of analytical thinking—at the wrong time—can be dangerous, and point to the historical use of religious differences to persecute or fight wars. Theirs and other studies find that, overall, religious belief is associated with greater compassion, greater social inclusiveness and greater motivation to engage in pro-social actions.

Jack said the conflict can be avoided by remembering simple rules: They could easily have known through trial and error. Babies died or were seriously injured more often on days that weren't the eighth, ergo, babies should be circumcised on the eighth. Wrote it down on paper. Made sure that future Jewish parents not make the same mistakes, so they made this observation look poetic and sacred.

The Bible and Laws of Quarantine Comfort says the following: Long before medical science discovered the importance of quarantine of persons with infectious diseases, the Bible instigated them.

Laws of quarantine were not instigated by modern man until the seventeenth century. Next, Comfort provides the following quote: People often wondered why the disease was affecting so many people at one time.

Arturo Castiglione wrote about the overwhelming importance of this biblical medical law: Jeffery, The Signature of God Leviticus All the days wherein the plague shall be in him he shall be defiled; he is unclean: Both male and female shall ye put out, without the camp shall ye put them; that they defile not their camps, in the midst whereof I dwell.

And the children of Israel did so, and put them out without the camp: One, biblical leprosy was reported to contaminate houses and clothing, so the people would not want to have it near them. Two, leprosy was viewed as punishment for sin, so that is an even more obvious reason; religious people would not want to surround their holiest objects with sinners. And from a scientific point of view, is it really necessary for lepers to cry "Unclean, unclean"? First one is Time from December"Most cosmologists agree that the Genesis account of creation, in imagining an initial void, may be uncannily closer to the truth.

The big bang bears an uncanny resemblance to the Genesis command. News and World Report, March 31,"New scientific revelations about supernovas, black holes, quarks, and the big bang even suggest to some scientists that there is a 'grand design' to the universe.

Also there is the old issue that, while the Big Bang is more compatible with Abrahamic ideas of the start of the universe, it's no more evidence that Christianity is right than it is that Hinduism or Buddhism is right and Hinduism at least gets the age of the universe approximately right through a lucky guess, but still. Also, these quotes are from the popular press, not scientific publications, and contain several distortions of the Big Bang: The necessity to produce life lies at the center of the universe's whole machinery and design.

Next quote from "evolutionist" Stephen Hawking, "the universe and the law of physics seem to have been specifically deigned for us. If any of about 40 physical qualities had more than slightly different values, life as w know if would not exist: Either atoms would not be stable, or they would not combine into molecules, or the stars would not form the heavier elements, of the universe would collapse before life could develop itself, and so on Austin American Statesman, October 19, Additionally, as PZ Myers pointed out, it's no great surprise that we live in a universe that's suited to our existence; it would be much more impressive if we lived in a universe that wasn't.

However, if the quote here is real, it may be a quote mine: News and World Report Dec.

bible and science relationship jokes

The most recent common male ancestor was only one of many prehistorical humans, who just happens to be the progenitor of all Y chromosomes in living humans today, at this specific moment. As we march into the future and interbreed, the identity of the most recent common ancestor will by definition shift forward in time, too. In the Book of Genesis, in contrast, all humans explicitly descend from a single couple, which would be unviable as far as genetics are concerned.

The Bible and the Universal Flood Comfort only provides a single quote for this piece: Or were they under water at different stages in time that all surfaced due to plate tectonics? Science sides with plate tectonics and against the "universal flood. It is big enough to bury Darwin and the whole theory of evolution. There was no primeval soup, neither on this planet nor on any other, and if the beginnings of life were not random, they must therefore have been the product of purposeful intelligence.

Order can and does result from such evolutionary processes. Hoyle applied his analogy to abiogenesis, where it is more applicable. However, the general principle behind it is wrong. Order arises spontaneously from disorder all the time.

The tornado itself is an example of order arising spontaneously. Something as complicated as people would not arise spontaneously from raw chemicals, but there is no reason to believe that something as simple as a self-replicating molecule couldn't. From there, evolution can produce more and more complexity. Remember, evolution has had over three billion years to tinker with life forms all over the world; even if the random formation of any given protein is highly unlikely, over millions of years over such a large area you're rolling the dice so often that very unlikely events are almost certain to happen from time to time.

In other words, don't think "your chance of winning the lottery", but rather "the chance of someone winning the lottery this century". Genesis Explains the Origin of Sexes Comfort states the following: Almost all forms of complex life have both male and female—horses, dogs, humans, moths, monkeys, fish, elephants, birds, etc.

The male needs the female to reproduce, and the female needs the male to reproduce. One cannot carry on life without the other. But if evolution is true, which then came first according to the evolutionary theory? If a male came into being before a female, how did the male of each species reproduce without females? How is it possible that a male and a female each spontaneously came into being, yet they have complex, complementary reproductive systems? If each sex was able to reproduce without the other, why and how would they have developed a reproductive system that requires both sexes in order for the species to survive?

The variety of life cycles is very great. It is not simply a matter of being sexual or asexual. There are many intermediate stages. A gradual origin, with each step favored by natural selection, is possible. Males and females of course don't evolve independently—that's not how evolution works. Sex, by definition, depends on both male and female acting together, and this can work because individuals don't evolve: As sex evolved, there would have been some incompatibilities causing sterility just as there are todaybut these would affect individuals, not whole populations, and the genes that cause such incompatibility would rapidly be selected against.

Many hypotheses have been proposed for the evolutionary advantage of sex. Science expresses the universe in five terms: And the Spirit of God moved [motion] upon the face of the waters. The Hindu cosmology and timeline is the closest to modern scientific timelines and even more which might indicate that the Big Bang is not the beginning of everything but just the start of the present cycle preceded by an infinite number of universes and to be followed by another infinite number of universes.

It also includes an infinite number of universes at any given time. Furthermore, a Hindu could argue that the universe is a continual cycle of creation and destruction - this ongoing cycle can symbolize motion and power, all taking place within space that takes time, all concerning the origins of matter. However, just like Ray Comfort's argument, this proves nothing except that both and more mythologies include similar concepts of time, motion, matter, etc.

In any case, one might argue that a perfect revelation would be a great deal more explicit than this passing reference in Genesis. Genesis Differentiates Man from the Animals Comfort states the following: What animal gazes with awe at a sunset, or at the magnificence of the Grand Canyon?

What animal obtains joy from the sounds of music or takes the time to form itself into an orchestra to create and harmonize music? What animal among the beasts sets up court systems and apportions justice to its fellow creatures? We are moral beings. While birds and other creatures have instincts to create nests, etc. We can utilize the law of aerodynamics to transport ourselves around the globe.

We also have the God-given ability to appreciate the value of creation.

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We unearth the hidden treasures of gold, silver, diamonds, and oil and make use of them for our own benefit. Only humans have the unique capability to appreciate God for this incredible creation and to respond to His love. So, Comfort's first proof that humans are unique is our self-awareness? Unfortunately for Comfort, other primates show signs of self-awareness.

Using the mirror test, we have proven that other primates as well as whales, dolphins, and elephants have self-awareness. They have a much less well-developed sense of self-awareness than us, but they do have one. Plenty of other animals don't, of course. Comfort's next argument is that we are unique because we appreciate music? How does he know this? Do dolphins or any other animals who sing not have an appreciation for music?

Finally, many animals have the ability to use tools. Humans are capable of great innovation, but that reveals our great ability to manufacture — this does not mean by definition we are not animals, just that we're exceedingly smart animals. We are very curious about our environment and universe, so we develop processes like science to help uncover the mysteries of nature and engineering to build things for us. Gold, oil, and diamonds are special to humans because we give them value.

On its own, gold is just another metal, like tin. Nature does not value one over the other; we do. Other animals do possess some ability to reason and figure things out, just less so.